the beard report and other hairy issues

22 days until departure/vacation/evacuation.  It’s as good a time as any to bring you up to speed on many important categories.

  1. Sales declaration: With almost all large items sold, the sales department crossed the 1.23 million KRW (aka 1,091 USD) threshold as of yesterday afternoon.  We would like to congratulate the salesman of the year; we would also like to encourage him to try and recoup a full 33% of the grand total original buying price of these items.
  2. Itinerary proclamation: If you don’t know by now where we’re going on this trip, read past entries.  (Also, see item #6.)
  3. Fitness revelation (the writer’s vital stats):  weight: 203.3 lbs (92.4 kilos).  Gut/around bellybutton, not to be confused with the waist: 38.5 inches (you metric users can do your own damned conversions).  Pecs/boobs: 41.25 inches.  Right bicep: 14.5 inches.  Cranial circumference: 54.97 inches (and shrinking).
  4. Medical itemization:  Tomorrow is a busy day for the Nearly Homeless, Mostly Insuranceless, Virtually Jobless Power Couple.  Acupuncturist at 9am.  Dentist at 11am.  Dermatologist at 2pm.  Internist at 4pm to fill 11 travel prescriptions (for eventualities like flatulence, pink eye, diarrhea and other such pleasantries).
  5. Marriage index:  For stats on how many times fornication has occurred since December 13th, how many times the writer’s flatulence has been an issue, the number of times children have been discussed, and the spoken ratio of “love” to “you’re disgusting,” read Harper’s Index™ in the  Decembruary 33rd issue.
  6. This website’s stats (since December 8): words written 16,609.  keystrokes taken (not including deletions or calculations of absurd statistics on the cell phone calculator): 92,939.  Views of the site: 636 (not including the writer’s own incessant visits).  This means that I am writing 26.1 words per site visit; it also means there are 17.67 people visiting the site each day.  C’mon, let’s go, people!  Tell your friends.  Shamelessly promote the writer.  Create demand for attempted humor and perceived insight.  The writer is working his fingers to the bone here.  Loving every moment of it.
  7. Food accounting (items to be consumed before the departure of the fridge on January 21st; the assault on these numbers begins tomorrow.  Read further entries for updates): steel-cut oats: 6 cups.  Dry lentils: 8 cups.  Brown rice: 9.25 cups.  Popcorn: 1 cup (un-popped).  Shrimp: 1 lb.  Ground pork: 1 kilo (do your own damned conversions).  Ground beef: 1 kilo.  Frozen blueberries: 2.5 lbs.  Whole wheat flour: 5 lbs.  Salt: 5678 pinches (do your own damned conversions).  Paprika: 1.5 metric tons.  Cans of mackerel: 2.  Cans of tuna: 8.  Frozen slices of salami: 12.
  8. Packing promulgation:  Since the bookshelf will be gone as of tonight, the packing will begin in earnest.  Books and clothes will go through an editing process, packed or donated.  Good thing the salesman had such a good month, so as to cover the overhead of shipping.
  9. Russian tea house regalia:  The secret agent has successfully remained secret.  The inner-city excursions to meet-ups has been undertaken by autobike and subway without much incident (knock on wooden nesting dolls).  Only 12 more clandestinations.
  10. Beard report (at one month):  Colors observed: orange, red, gray, white, blond/blonde.  Density observed: nice growth all around, with the left side lagging behind; sideburn regions at the top of their game.  Maintenance carried out: upper cheek region needs a razor swipe twice a week; neck and throat clear-cut thrice weekly.  Names the writer’s students may or may not call him: lion, cat, monkey.

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